Overwhelmed

     I have had more then my fair share of times when I have felt overwhelmed.  Looking around the house I get discouraged wondering how I am going to get it all done, the laundry, cleaning, cooking, school for my big girl, errands & entertain my little girl who is only 2! 
     I get the feeling I am just spinning my wheels.  I get one thing cleaned up only to turn around & find my girls have messed up 12 more things!  And meals.  They just keep coming.  Three time a day plus snacks and with food comes dishes.  It really makes me just want to sit down and cry.  Well some days.
       Then there are those days when I get to the end and think everything went smoothly today.  I actually accomplished stuff & the house is good enough.  (You can read my Good Enough post later)
       Why am I so overwhelmed one day & super woman another?  I guess my attitude & expectations has a lot to do with it.  Well, that & how my girls are doing that day.  If they are fussy or destructive that is surely going to impact my day.  But the biggest factor is my attitude.   I promise another post one day about the power of expectations.
      I mean if I really look around my house I have it pretty easy.  I have a washer & dryer on the main floor, no running up & down the stairs to do the laundry.  And I am surely not having to do it by hand or out on a rock.  I have a microwave, so if I forget to take something out to defrost I can pop it in & have it defrosted within a few minutes.  I have a dishwasher, so it isn't like I am standing at the sink washing the dishes by hand.  I have all the modern conveniences.  There are many trying to do it all with a whole lot less.

     I was encouraged this week in bible study when I read Mark 14:34-36 (NIV), "34 “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death,” he said to them. “Stay here and keep watch.” 35 Going a little farther, he fell to the ground and prayed that if possible the hour might pass from him. 36 “Abba,[a] Father,” he said, “everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.”  Jesus understands what I am feeling when I am overwhelmed.  Granted, he was facing his crucifixion at the time and my problems are minor compared to that, but he still understands.  I find that very comforting.  My Lord understands how I feel!

     This last week I have really been trying to monitor my attitude & I have found the results to be amazing.  You have heard the saying that if Mama ain't happy ain't nobody is happy.  Well I guess the opposite is also true.  If Mama has a good attitude the rest will too.  I set the tone for my home.  I am not perfect & I am sure I will have days of feeling overwhelmed, but hopefully they will be far & few between :)

Shut Up

       I have been taught that it is not nice to say shut up.  But sometimes I am so tempted.  I wonder how people could be so ignorant and clueless.
       I have 2 beautiful daughters.  Big sister has dark hair, big brown eyes and a sweet face.  She is my mini me.  There is no mistaking her as being my daughter.  Little sister has red hair, big blue eyes and an adorable little face.  I know red hair is not common, but people always come up and fawn over little sister.  Yes, babies & toddlers attract attention and the red hair makes the attention even more frequent.  What irks me is when they ignore big sister.  She is standing right there as they go gaga over little sister and then they walk away.  Or worse they look at her and say something like, "Oh, you're cute too."  Then walk away.
       Hello!!!!  Would it really take too much time to say something like, "Oh, you must be the big sister.  I see now that beauty runs in the family."  Don't treat her like 2nd rate or ignore her all together. 
       I am trying to come up with a good set phrase to say when people do this to her.  Something that will not allow big sister to feel the rejection.  I was thinking when they start fussing over little sister I should say, "Yes, God has really blessed me with two very different, but beautiful girls."  or maybe, "I don't know how my husband and I got such 2 beautiful girls."  I don't know.  Something polite that will redirect the conversation.  Although what I'd really like to say is, "Really!  Could you just shut up!!"
        I guess if big sister was clueless and didn't notice I wouldn't care as much.  However, it hurts her.  She is only 7 and I can see she will be a child whose self -esteem is going to need some building up.  She worries that she is fat.  I think this concerns her because she is a big girl.  Most of her friends are very small thin girls.  She towers over most of her friends and is growing so fast.  She tends to bulk out a bit and then shoot up.  She hears my husband and I lament over our weight.  She hears her aunt talking about being on a diet and losing weight.  Now my husband, sister & I are overweight.  However, this talk has made her look at herself critically.  Now she is comparing herself to her friends and has decided that she is fat.
        I am going to arm myself with bible verses that talk about how God sees us and use them to help my daughter to see herself accurately.  I am going to start a dialogue when people are rude and discuss why it is wrong and how it can be hurtful.  Maybe by educating my daughter I can insulate her from some of those ignorant people we encounter.  Hopefully I will be able to turn these lemons in lemonade.

What is fair???

     There is an awful lot of talk about what is fair.  If you have multiple children you often hear, "That's not fair!"  When I taught I would have to make accommodations for children with special needs.  There was a  document that told me exactly what accommodations I was required to provide for a child in the special education program.  It might have been a child with a reading disability that had his/her math word problems read to him/her.  We didn't want that child's math to suffer because he/she had a reading disability.  Some kids didn't think that was fair.  
       Well what does fair really mean.  Is fair everyone getting the exact same thing?  I don't think so.  "Fair isn't everyone getting the same thing, but everyone getting what they need in order to be successful."  I like that definition of fair.   It seems, well fair.  
       I Googled fair and found definitions form several reliable sources.  Merriam/Webster describes fairs as, "marked by impartiality and honesty : free from self-interest, prejudice, or favoritism."  MacMillan says, "if a situation is fair, everyone is treated equally and in a reasonable way."  Oxford said, "treating people equally without favoritism or discrimination:  just or appropriate in the circumstances."  It seems to me from these definitions that fair isn't everyone getting the same thing.  There are other factors that determine if something is fair.  So that definition I like is somewhat accurate.  
      I had to explain this to big sister the other day.  She thought it wasn't fair that little sister was given an ice pop in the morning, but she wasn't allowed to have one.  Little sister was teething and the ice pop helped soothe her gums.  I asked big sister if she wanted to get a shot next time little sister had to get a shot.  Because, after all it wouldn't  be fair if little sister got something and she didn't.  I also suggested she start taking naps, because it wouldn't be fair if she didn't.  She started to understand that her idea of fair wasn't really quite accurate. 
       I have also had to start explaining that as the big sister she has privileges that little sister does not have.  If she wants to be treated just like little sister then she would have to give up those privileges.   Of course this didn't seem like something she really wanted to do.  So once again her idea of fair had to be refined. 
       This is such a difficult concept for children & many adults.  The idea of redistributing wealth has been a popular political topic.  After all it isn't fair that rich people have so much and others are going without.  Well how did the rich people end up with the money and how did those without end up in that situation.  It often comes down to choices, luck,  and upbringing.  
       I know some people who have done extremely well financially.  They risked many things to achieve their wealth, including money,  relationships & their health.  They worked extremely long hours with few days off.  They missed their children growing up.  Their marriages ended in divorce.  They have physical problems because they neglected their bodies.  Why should they now be told that they must give their wealth to someone else?  Someone who wasn't willing to take those risks and put in those hours.  
       There are people who gained their wealth in ways that are not fair.  They lied, cheated & stole.  I am not talking about those people.  I am talking about people that have worked and worked hard for what they have.  You may see them living the good life now, but how about the years of sacrifice?  Most CEO's didn't get to that position without some significant sacrifices.  
       I believe we should help those in need.  However, I don't believe it is our responsibility to support someone for their entire life or a family for generations because they choose not be productive.  That isn't fair. 
       My husband works so hard everyday.  We have sacrificed luxuries so I can stay home with our kids.   He has chosen not to take positions that would pay significantly more money, because he wants to be around for our children.  His brother also works hard.  My sister-in-law worked full time throughout their daughters childhood.  My brother in law has traveled every week for his job for years and works extremely long hours.  He makes much more money then my husband.  Their combined income was way more then we ever made, even when we both worked.  We don't believe that is unfair.  They have made sacrifices for that money.  He and his family deserve to enjoy the money they have.  They are very generous people and help out others,  However, I don't think they should be told they have to redistribute their wealth. 
       There are so many opportunities in this country.  Capitalism may not be perfect, but it is far superior to communism and socialism.  Because of capitalism our country has been a leader in innovation, from medicine to technology and most other industries.  Communism & Socialism have failed in every country where they have been attempted.  When it fails and we actually get to see the living standards in those countries we find them decades behind.  We find that the leaders at the top often lead much more comfortable lives and the majority of the people lived with standards that are far below our poor in this country.  
       Maybe the really fair thing to do is encourage people to make better choices.  Not enable them when they decide they don't want to be a productive member of society.  It is not inhumane to expect people to work in order eat and have a place to live.  It is inhumane to consistently hand they everything and let them feel that they have nothing to contribute, that they are useless.  Give a man a fish he'll have food for a day, teach a man to fish and he'll have food everyday.  I think this is much more fair.  "Fair isn't everyone getting the same thing, but everyone getting what they need in order to be successful."

Terrible Cooks

       Apparently my husband & I are terrible cooks.  At least that is what my 7 year-old has led me to believe.  I have been shocked at this revelation, because I have been told by so many people that I am an awesome cook.  My husband's cooking gets rave reviews from numerous people.  People constantly ask us for recipes.  A friend in the food business wants my husband's opinion on a possible product.  Yet my 7 year-old turns up her nose at everything we cook.
       I have tried what the experts recommend.   I tried not making food a power struggle.  If she won't eat what you offer don't argue, just let her go hungry.  When she gets hungry enough she'll eat what you offer.  Not my daughter!  She obviously has my strong will and she will starve before she eats something she doesn't want to eat.  I will burst my bladder before using certain restrooms.  She comes by this honestly.
       I have tried having her shop & cook with me.  As we are cooking she informs me she isn't going to eat what we are making. 
       One night I actually got her to eat fish sticks.  They were the good ones with actual fish filet cut into strips and breaded.  I didn't tell her what it was, but just asked her to try it.  She liked it and ate the meal without a problem.  However, once she found out later that it was fish she refused to eat it the next time.  AHHHHHH!!
       The number of foods that she is willing to eat is so small that she starts getting sick of those items.  The list is high on carbs and very low on fruits/ vegetables.  The other issue is that things she had told me she'll eat she turns down when I cook them and then she tells me she doesn't like them.  I have a feeling she said she liked it so I'd get off her back, but once it was offered the truth came out. 
       I refuse to cook separate meals.  There are a few meals I don't expect a child to enjoy and will allow her to make herself a peanut butter & jelly sandwich on those nights.  However, that is a very rare occasion.
       The entire situation is frustrating.  We are at a loss. We talk about nutrition and the importance of eating a variety of foods.  I do my best to make sure snacks are low to no sugar and have nutritional value.  Drinks are limited to skim milk, diluted juice (nothing added), and water.
      This one issue is such a good example of the challenges of parenting and the role of free will.  I want was is best for my girls and I try to teach them how to make wise decisions.  In the long run it is their decision.  Even at just 7 years-old I can't force her to eat what she doesn't want.  I just have to keep gently guiding and encouraging her to try new things or try things again.  Hoping that one day her taste buds will change and she will begin to enjoy a wider variety of food.  Someday these issues will seem insignificant, but right now this is my daily battle.

My Good Enough

I come from a long line of  fastidious housekeepers.  My mom grew up in Bronx, NY.  My Grandmother kept the windows so clean that my Grandfather actually put his head through the glass once, because he thought the window was open.  Each time my Aunt Kathy moved into a new apartment she would go in and scrub the place from top to bottom before she ever moved one item into the place.  My mother cleaned our bathrooms everyday.  If we had company coming over, which was frequently, the house had to be spotless.  Literally every surface was cleaned within an inch of its life.  And when the company left; the house was gone back over before mom went to bed so it was clean when she got up the next morning.
Needless to say I thought this was not just normal, but mandatory.  When I moved out of my parents house I would clean like a maniac if I was expecting company.  Needless to say I found entertaining to be exhausting & chose not to do it often because it just took too much time to prepare.
Then I got married.  I joined a bible study with 2 other couples.  The couple that hosted the study were remodeling their house & were living in the small basement apartment of their house.  In order to get to the apartment we walked through the construction zone.  The apartment was very small, but we would cook dinner together, do bible study & generally have a wonderful time.  This opened my eyes.  My house didn't have to be perfect in order to be a good hostess.  I found out I absolutely love to entertain.  My husband and I would pick up a bit before friends came over, but the need to scrub the house from top to bottom before each visit was no longer necessary for me.  As long as my house was neat it was good enough.  Clorox wipes helped to make the bathroom good enough.  We began to entertain often.
Then we had kids.  I had to have a new good enough.  Kids seem to require lots of stuff.  It seems to become harder & harder to keep the house clean.  Just keeping up with the day's dishes, laundry & picking up seems to be as far as I can get most of the time.  I get the kitchen wiped down daily or several times a day.  But the dusting and really cleaning just doesn't happen that often.  When I try to do the deep down cleaning then the other stuff gets left undone.  The dishes for that day remain in the sink & the kids toys scattered all over.  However, this doesn't mean I don't entertain.  On the contrary.  I have just needed to decide what is my new good enough.
Some days this is hard for me to answer.  I see the mess of my own house so clearly.  However, when I go to friend's homes I don't notice the condition of their homes.  I go to enjoy their company.  We let the kids play.  The joke has become that my friends are welcome to come over anytime if they are coming to see me.  However, if anyone is coming to see my house they must give me at least 2 weeks notice :)
My mom doesn't not quite grasp this concept.  She will stop by for a visit on the night of bible study at our house & start getting nervous.  She'll look around say something like, "Aren't you having company tonight?"  My answer is usually, "Yes.  I just need to pick up a little bit."  And that is true.  I make sure the sink is cleared of dishes & the kids toys are at least in the general vicinity of where they are kept.  All the pillows are placed on the couch & if time allows I may run the vacuum.  This is my good enough now that I have kids.
What is your good enough?

Heart Break

The bible tells us that our children are a blessing.  Most parents would agree.  But what about when they break your heart?  When they decide they are going to go against everything you have ever taught them.  When they are just determined to take a direction in life that you know will lead to destruction.  Can you look at them then and see the blessing?
Raising children is a difficult messy journey in so many ways.  When they are little it is the literal mess.  The diapers, toys scattered everywhere, dirty hands & faces.  As they get older the mess often becomes emotional.  They hit puberty and are trying to figure out who they are and who they want to be.  The world today is often giving them a very different message then what we desire for them.  The world encourages them to live for themselves.  If it feels right to you it is okay.  However, the bible clearly tells us this is not the case.  We are to live as Christ.  Die to ourselves daily.  This is not an easy thing to explain to a mature adult & even more difficult to explain to a child or teenager. 
My children are young & I often remind myself that the right thing is usually not the easy thing.  Like when your child has a meltdown in a restaurant because she can't have her own way.  The right thing is to pack up the food and leave.  This is the right thing for the other diners who do not deserve having to live through your child's tantrum & it is the right thing for your child.  She needs to learn that certain behavior is unacceptable and will be dealt with no matter where you may be. 
How do you apply this to older kids?  I don't know.  The lines seems to get more blurry as they get older.  However, we are told as parents that we must do our job.  If we don't we have to answer to God. 
I do know that whatever we choose to do we must do it out of  love.  The message our child should get is that no matter what happens you are loved and accepted.  I am doing X, because I love you too much to allow you to make sinful choices. 
The teen years are often a tumultuous time, but I know that even as teens children are a blessing.  I am thankful for my friends that love me and my children.  That are willing to walk this winding path called parenthood with me.  I am especially thankful for my husband and family.  I don't know how people raise children without a loving support network.  And I am thankful for my 2 blessings. 

Why I chose to blog anonymously

     I have been wanting to start a blog for quite a while.  I finally decided that if I did this I would want it to be anonymous so I would be completely honest in what I wrote.  No, I don't plan on saying mean things about others or admitting to some deep dark secrets.  I just don't want who I am to stop me from giving my honest opinion on things that might be controversial.  People who know me best will easily be able to identify this as my blog.  However, those that are just acquaintances probably won't be able to pick up on my identity. 
   I have provided some information in my profile about me, but let me take a moment to introduce myself a little better.  I am a born again Christian.  That doesn't mean I am perfect.  It does mean that Jesus Christ is my Lord & Savior.  I attempt to live my life in a way that is pleasing to Him.  However, I stumble daily.
   Politically I am a conservative.  No that doesn't automatically mean I am sold out to the Republican Party. I do tend to vote Republican, because those candidates are the ones most closely aligned with me politically.
    I am pro-life.  Yes, that means I believe abortion is wrong.  It is murder, plain and simple.  That does not mean that I condemn women who have had abortions.  I have stood by friends who have made that choice.  I told them I didn't agree with their choice, but I was there for them emotionally & physically.  I don't have to agree with everything someone chooses to do in order to be his/her friend.  
     I have chosen to homeschool my children.  This decision was made long before I married and had children.  I made the decision while I was teaching.  I saw so much as a public school teacher, independent school teacher, & overseas as a homeschool teacher that I decided when I had children I would want to homeschool.  The reasons I chose to homeschool are plentiful & I am sure many will be voiced as I blog.  However, that doesn't mean I think only horrible parents send their children to public schools.  Or that every child should be homeschooled.  That is a very personal decision that needs to be agreed to by both parents.  It is a huge commitment & I never would have attempted it if my husband was not 100% on board with the decision.
     Lastly I will list a few other things that I believe and that are often controversial.  I believe that spanking, when done correctly is not abuse but an acceptable means of discipline.  I believe marriage as defined by God is between a man & a woman.  Anything else is not acceptable to me, because the Bible is clear in stating it is not acceptable to God.  I believe it is okay for an adult to have an alcoholic beverage. I do not think it is okay to get drunk.  There are many scriptures that state drunkenness is not acceptable.  
   I look forward to this journey and hope you will enjoy reading my blog.  Please let me know your thoughts and if I need to clarify anything I may say.