Tired

     I don't think I can adequately explain what it is like to constantly be tired and feeling like you are always running on empty.   I have always needed a lot of sleep.  I don't think I was ever that child that woke at the crack of dawn.  I don't remember a time when napping wasn't a part of my life.  Yet it has gotten even worse since my thyroid problems.  I feel like I drag through life.  I actually asked my endocrinologist in Atlanta if this was as good as it gets. 
     I hear people talk about taking naps.  They say something like 15 minutes just revives me.  Some even admit to, GASP,  taking an hour nap.  I wish!  I have to lay down for several hours, usually about 3.  I know you are thinking that is ridiculous.  However, if I don't take a several hour nap at least 4 days per week I get sick.  I recently tried.  I decided I was wasting too much time sleeping.  So I limited myself to 1 hour naps.  I ended up sick for 5 days!  I never get sick for 5 days.  I was absolutely useless.  I couldn't figure out why the bug I got kicked my butt.  Then I remembered for the 2 weeks prior I wasn't napping liking I should. 
     It is debilitating to be this tired all the time.  I think about all the things I could be getting accomplished in that time.  The things I could do with big sister while little sister naps.  My house could get cleaned.  Big sister and I could to crafts, play games, or even go for a walk while little sister sleeps.  (My husband works from home so we can leave when little sister naps.)  I feel guilty and frustrated that I have to nap.
   People tell me you'd feel better if you exercised.  Maybe a little, but the energy I use exercising means less energy and time for other things.  Trust me I have tried many times.  It does not give me more energy.  Others have said that my body is just used to it and that is why I get so tired.  No, I actually get sick each & every time I try to give up naps.
     I know it is difficult for others to understand.   Even my family who has seen the results of me not napping gets frustrated.  My husband is usually so supportive, but sometimes he gets resentful about my need for so much sleep.  I wish I could live on just 8 hours a night.  I long to have the energy to do everything I want to accomplish in a day. 
     I make up for my sleep issues by being very driven when I am awake.  Most days I am extremely productive, especially considering the actual awake time.  My husband says I have 2 speeds, full speed ahead & sleeping.  There really isn't much in between.  If I am watching TV I am usually also doing something else.  I rarely just sit on the couch and relax.  That is hard for me, because I want to make up for the lost time. 
     In 2 Corinthians 12 Paul talks about a thorn in his side.  He asks God to take it from him, but God said, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."   I have tried to accept that this is my thorn.  It forces me to depend on God.  I have to rely on His strength to do the things He gives me to do.  I have to trust that He is faithful and he will use this in the lives of my children.  He makes beauty of ashes & he can use this physical limitation to mold me and my children into the women he desires us to be.
      I already see the results in big sister.  She has learned to entertain herself and enjoys her alone time.  She is so nurturing to me, reminding me to take my nap.  Recognizing when I am getting run down and need to rest.  Yes, I can see God's hand in it all.  I just need to surrender my will & my vision of what I should be for God's will & vision of who I am in Him.